Thoughts By The Wise

The test of a man or woman’s breeding is how they behave in a quarrel.

– George Bernard Shaw

When tempers are frayed, and an argument is in progress, it is very difficult for anyone to listen with courtesy to an opposing point of view. If we could ask the mind on such occasions why it doesn’t listen, it would answer candidly, “Why should I? I already know I’m right.” We may not put it into words, but the other person gets the message:

“You’re not worth listening to.” It is this lack of respect that offends people in an argument, much more than any difference of opinion.

But respect can be learned – in part by acting as if we had respect. We show respect by simply listening with complete attention. Try it and see: the action is very much like that of a classical drama. For a while there is “rising action.” The other person’s temper keeps going up; language becomes more and more vivid; everything is heading for a climax. But then comes the denouement. The other person begins to quiet down: his voice becomes gentler, his language kinder, all because you have not retaliated or lost your respect for him.

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Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

– George Bernard Shaw

Often we try to build relationships on what is pleasing to us, particularly on physical attraction. But if there is anything sure about physical attraction, it is that it has to change. We cannot build on it; its very nature is to come and go.

Physical attraction is a sensation – here one minute and gone the next. Love is a relationship. It is pleasant to be with someone who is physically attractive, but how long can you enjoy an aquiline nose? How long can you thrill to the timbre of a voice when it doesn’t say what you like? It’s very much like eating: no matter how much you are attracted to chocolate pie, there is a limit to how much of it you can enjoy. Beyond that limit, if somebody merely mentions chocolate, your stomach stages a revolt.

If you want to build a relationship, build it on what endures. To build on a firm foundation, we have to stop asking, “What do I like?” and ask only, “What can I give?” Then there is joy in everything, because there is joy in the relationship itself – in ups and downs, through the pleasant and the unpleasant, in sickness and in health.

Those who are selfless rejoice here and rejoice there; they rejoice wherever they go. They rejoice and delight in the good they have done.

– The Buddha

When we live for others, we’ll find we are less oppressed by the natural changeability of life. Instead of wanting, even demanding, that everything go our way, we’ll feel at peace when everything is going everybody else’s way. In other words, we will be less likely to get discouraged or depressed by the normal ups and downs of life.

And when we are able to function freely in all the varied relationships and vicissitudes of life, we will gradually find an inner certitude that we are equal to every challenge. Then, just because somebody is agitated, we won’t be afraid. Just because someone is unfavorably disposed towards us, we will not get diffident or annoyed. The Buddha says these outward changes of fortune can never affect our joy, which is permanent.

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The joy of the spirit ever abides, but not what seems pleasant to the senses. Both these, differing in their purpose, prompt us to action.

– Katha Upanishad

When we let the senses follow their own lead, they cannot help going after pleasure; that is their nature. As a result, it should come as no surprise to see that most of the world today is on the road to sensory satisfaction.

It takes real toughness, and a lot of practice, to wait out all of the blandishments of passing pleasure when they lead us away from our real goal. When we lack this toughness, despite better goals we may cherish in our hearts, we will not be able to take the road that leads where we want to go. It is a poignant paradox: wanting only happiness, yet going systematically in the other direction. But if we keep choosing the joy of the spirit, I can assure you, we will reach our goal.