Top 10 Unwritten Rules For Working Women

When it comes to gender stereotyping, it's better to know what you're up against.

Come to think of it, when was the last time you heard or read the word "sexism?"

That's what ForbesWoman Community member Ann Daly, Ph.D., an executive coach and professional development specialist for women based in Austin , Texas , wants to know. She replied to a conversation thread on salary and self-esteem on our LinkedIn group. Elizabeth Miles, chief executive of a U.K.-based legal software company, started the conversation with the suggestion that women generally don't assert their value in the workplace. "It's as if women can feel less deserving."

That brought in the mail. Victoria Pynchon, a commercial mediator and arbitrator at ADR Services, a Southern California alternative dispute resolution firm, had this to say: "Sexism still exists (shocked! I'm shocked!). When orchestras recently began conducting auditions behind screens so that the "jury" couldn't see the gender of the musician, callbacks for women doubled. It's not their fault ... So let's not go blaming ourselves."

On her blog, Ann Daly, whose sixth book, Do-Over! How Women Are Reinventing Their Lives, is scheduled for release in February 2010, points out that "the 21st-century version of sexism is nothing blatant, nothing Mad Men. Men, for the most part, have learned to appear politically correct. Most of them are savvy enough not to engage, at least consciously, in so-called 'gender stereotyping.' "

Sexism, whatever you call it, hasn't disappeared. But it's better to know exactly what you're up against. To that end, Daly pulled together the top 10 unwritten rules for working women. "Don't let them sabotage your ambitions."

Men get the benefit of the doubt. Men generally get hired on their promise and women on their demonstrated experience. Men are usually taken at their word, while women get challenged more, required to deliver data and substantiation for their views.

Looks matter. Bare those arms and legs at your own risk: Flesh conjures up images of the beach and the boudoir, not the boardroom.

You won't get sufficient feedback. Professional development depends upon rigorous, comprehensive, ongoing feedback. Your (male) boss may not feel comfortable delivering that information to you. You need to be direct in asking for it from him and from other colleagues and team members.

A working mother's commitment is assumed to be ambivalent. At worst, mothers are seen as potential flight risks from the organization, and therefore not worthy of any further investment. At best, they are denied plum travel and assignments, under the guise of benevolent protectionism. Don't let anyone else speak or decide for you.

Actually, it is personal. In mid-career, at the point where everyone brings comparable talent to the table, it's who you know, not what you know, that gets you promoted. As HR pros will tell you, you don't push yourself to the top, you get pulled there. Men knew what they were doing when they invented the old boys' club. From the get-go, women need to be just as savvy, cultivating mentors, allies and champions.

Men are bred for self-confidence. From Little League to fraternities to the golf course, men's lives emphasize competition. By the time they get to the workplace, they are seasoned competitors, with all of the self-confidence that comes from having successfully weathered both the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Consider the consequences: One internal corporate study showed that women will apply for an open job only if they meet 100% of the criteria listed, while men will apply if they meet just 60%. In order to assume that same level of self-possession (and entitlement), you have to design your own path to self-confidence.

Women are rendered invisible until they demonstrate otherwise. If you want to be noticed, you've got to offer your ideas, approach a mentor, ask for the assignments, build a network, convey your aspirations and communicate your achievements. I've heard Sharon Allen, chairman of Deloitte LLP, tell this cautionary tale from her early career, when she was passed over for a promotion that she had earned. Allen asked why she had been passed over, since she had done X, Y and Z to earn it. "Oh," her boss replied, "I didn't realize that you'd done X, Y and Z ." It's one thing to lose the game because you were outperformed, but it's another thing altogether to lose because you were never in play.

Women don't take charge, they take care. Research has shown that both men and women will judge a woman less favorably who asks for a higher starting salary than a man with the same credentials asking for the same thing. Men are rewarded for being outspoken, while women are expected to go along for the greater good. In order to negotiate this "woman penalty," you've got to dance that fine line between assertive and pushy, authoritative and bossy, smart and arrogant. Brush up on your cha-cha.

Women are different. Make no mistake. "Different" never means "equal." "Different" is code for "other." And in any us-them situation, you know what happens to the outsiders. Just think back to the "separate but equal" credo of racial segregation. Defining women as "different" (whether it's done by men or by women) serves to keep women positioned as outsiders, despite our increasingly dominant numbers in the workplace.

Women make great worker bees, but visionary leaders -- not so much. Margaret Thatcher is often quoted as saying: "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." Unfortunately, that's the kind of thinking that keeps the vast majority of women stuck in middle management, while men move forward into leadership roles. At a certain point, you've got to give up the grindstone to pursue vision and strategy.

Source of problem

The Source of the Problem

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

'James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!'

.............................

Moral of the story:The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, it could be very much within us

EIGHT LIES OF A "MOTHER"

This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry."

This was Mother's First Lie.

As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten, My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish."

This was Mother's Second Lie.

Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes, which she filled with fresh match sticks. This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired."

This was Mother's Third Lie.

When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her.. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!".

This was Mother's Fourth Lie.

After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small. Our other neighbors saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love."

This was Mother's Fifth Lie.

After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money."

That was Mother's Sixth Lie.

I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living."

That was Mother's Seventh Lie.

In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain."

That was Mother's Eighth Lie.

Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died. YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL! M - O - T - H - E - R

"M" is for the Million things she gave me,

"O" means Only that she's growing old,

"T" is for the Tears she shed to save me,

"H" is for her Heart of gold,

"E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them,

"R" means Right, and right she'll always be,

Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER" a word that means the world to me.

For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.

Keys to life

Keys to life

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Our Core Essence. Deep down we are all beautiful beings worthy of love and support. The sweet innocence of babies and young children is a clear example of this. Yet for most of us, the shining essence with which we came into this life became obscured over the years as our family and others were unable to give us the kind of unconditional love and support we so craved. As children, when we were repeatedly told that we were not good enough or were punished just for being who we are, thick layers of confusion and doubt developed, clouding our divine essence. Layers of fear and insecurity were woven into our personalities.

The Mask. By the time we are grown, most of us have developed a protective mask or persona to hide these layers of fear and insecurity from others, and at times even from ourselves. Outwardly we might appear happy or content, yet on the inside most of us to varying degrees feel unhappy with who we are. Yet beneath it all, that shining essence is still there. No matter how much we may have forgotten, no matter how thick those overshadowing layers may be, our beautiful core essence is and has always been there.

Accepting and Understanding Oneself. By choosing to accept and understand all of who you are—both your deep shining essence and the layers of dark clouds within—you can invite that beautiful inner essence to shine through the clouds and to shine again in your life. When fears, dark thoughts, or difficult emotions arise, first choose to accept that they are there. Then work towards understanding these dark clouds and where they came from. Ask for divine guidance as you explore and transform these dark places.

Courage. It takes courage to accept and work to understand our fears and weaknesses. Yet by doing our best to be fully ourselves in all our strengths and weaknesses, our relationships can grow richer, deeper, and more meaningful. This may be challenging, as some people are unable or unwilling to accept certain parts of us. Yet as those around us see us becoming more real and honest with them, many will also be inspired to be more real and honest with us. Thus, instead of continually avoiding or denying those clouds or dark layers in both ourselves and others, we open to a deeper, more authentic way of living and of relating to others.

Accepting and Understanding Others. As you develop greater acceptance and understanding of yourself, you will notice that others, too, have lost touch with their shining core essence. As you work to accept and understand yourself, it is most important that you choose also to give this gift to those around you. Acceptance of what is, coupled with understanding of what we can change and what we cannot, allows us to find the courage to be all that we can be, and to empower others in doing the same

He is not just a man....He is your soulmate

He saw her over the gulf of eternity

Sitting under the great oak.

Her body swathed in white chiffon

and lace,

Her knees up

Her body cradled over

the box... the box of gold..

her gift.

She sat there crying,

Her grief touching every fibre of her soul.

For inside the box, was her gift,

of love, her soul, her desire, her need.

The priceless seeds of her womanhood.

With love

those seeds would grow,

venture out of the box into the sunlight,

and through their growth

fill her life with color

the sweet bouquet of flowers,

the wonder of birds and butterflies

attracted by it's beauty.

But her box was grey,

Covered with years of neglect,

the seeds resting on bone-dry soil.

Her heart in hibernation.

Her tears tracing lines down her cheek.

He watched her.

He understood.

She fell asleep.

She woke to see him there

The box cradled lovingly in his lap

Toolbox by his side.

He was a million miles away

across the great gulf

yet seemed to be right next to her.

And she watched,

as his loving hands treasured it

wiped away the years

brought back the dazzling shine of the gold,

made all the years of neglect disappear.

Time stood still as she watched.

The gold was battered,

dented and scraped,

marks of the pain in her life.

Each mark disappeared under his loving attention,

each dent pulled out

each scrape buffed clean.

Time, he seemed to have endless time,

as he focused his love on each flaw,

one by one,

tears in his eyes as he understood the pain each one signified,

then erasing it with his loving hands.

The gentle light from his eyes,

and the water from his tears,

nourished her seeds,

bringing life and beauty where there once was desolation.

And then he was there,

next to her.

She lost herself in his eyes

as he tenderly placed the treasure

in her hands.

"Take it forever!" she started to cry,

but a tender brush of his lips against hers stifled the cry in her

throat.

"My love," he said,

"God has placed us on opposite sides of a great gulf.

Only He can make that gulf disappear, and He will,

in His own time.

Until then, we have His work to do,

each on our own side.

When that work is done, He will look on us with favor,

for it is He who sent me to you."

He took her hands in his

touched his lips to hers, and said,

"But this covenant I make: when you need me, summon me.

I will come to your side.

And every night I shall return,

to wipe away every scratch,

fix every flaw,

that life has put on the gift of your womanhood.

I will lie with you and ease your pain.

And when the gulf is gone,

when eternity is ours,

I will place your gift in a place of honor,

So the world will see, and understand

That I treasure you

your womanhood

your love

your precious spirit.

They will all know that you have finally received

the love you deserve."

And he was gone.

She wept.

Then a soft voice was heard from all around her

and inside her...

"My, child. When you thought it was a man you needed

I let you choose a man.

But he took your gift, and put it on a shelf

To wither

To die.

When you thought it was a lover you needed

You chose a lover

Who simply used your gift as a stepping stool

to reach over the walls in his life which he despised.

No, it is not a man you need,

for a man cannot comprehend your heart.

And it is not a lover you need. A lover is like a firefly,

illuminating your life for a moment,

then leaving you to deal with the darkness

Until it flashes again.

So I have taken it into my own hands

and shown you what you truly need.

He is not just a man, though a man he is.

He is not just a lover, though a lover he is.

He is the man I have given you forever..

He is your soulmate

Each day it opens a new account for you.

Imagine...

There is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you.

Each night it burns the remains of the day.

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."

So live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

Thoughts By The Wise

The test of a man or woman’s breeding is how they behave in a quarrel.

– George Bernard Shaw

When tempers are frayed, and an argument is in progress, it is very difficult for anyone to listen with courtesy to an opposing point of view. If we could ask the mind on such occasions why it doesn’t listen, it would answer candidly, “Why should I? I already know I’m right.” We may not put it into words, but the other person gets the message:

“You’re not worth listening to.” It is this lack of respect that offends people in an argument, much more than any difference of opinion.

But respect can be learned – in part by acting as if we had respect. We show respect by simply listening with complete attention. Try it and see: the action is very much like that of a classical drama. For a while there is “rising action.” The other person’s temper keeps going up; language becomes more and more vivid; everything is heading for a climax. But then comes the denouement. The other person begins to quiet down: his voice becomes gentler, his language kinder, all because you have not retaliated or lost your respect for him.

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Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

– George Bernard Shaw

Often we try to build relationships on what is pleasing to us, particularly on physical attraction. But if there is anything sure about physical attraction, it is that it has to change. We cannot build on it; its very nature is to come and go.

Physical attraction is a sensation – here one minute and gone the next. Love is a relationship. It is pleasant to be with someone who is physically attractive, but how long can you enjoy an aquiline nose? How long can you thrill to the timbre of a voice when it doesn’t say what you like? It’s very much like eating: no matter how much you are attracted to chocolate pie, there is a limit to how much of it you can enjoy. Beyond that limit, if somebody merely mentions chocolate, your stomach stages a revolt.

If you want to build a relationship, build it on what endures. To build on a firm foundation, we have to stop asking, “What do I like?” and ask only, “What can I give?” Then there is joy in everything, because there is joy in the relationship itself – in ups and downs, through the pleasant and the unpleasant, in sickness and in health.

Those who are selfless rejoice here and rejoice there; they rejoice wherever they go. They rejoice and delight in the good they have done.

– The Buddha

When we live for others, we’ll find we are less oppressed by the natural changeability of life. Instead of wanting, even demanding, that everything go our way, we’ll feel at peace when everything is going everybody else’s way. In other words, we will be less likely to get discouraged or depressed by the normal ups and downs of life.

And when we are able to function freely in all the varied relationships and vicissitudes of life, we will gradually find an inner certitude that we are equal to every challenge. Then, just because somebody is agitated, we won’t be afraid. Just because someone is unfavorably disposed towards us, we will not get diffident or annoyed. The Buddha says these outward changes of fortune can never affect our joy, which is permanent.

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The joy of the spirit ever abides, but not what seems pleasant to the senses. Both these, differing in their purpose, prompt us to action.

– Katha Upanishad

When we let the senses follow their own lead, they cannot help going after pleasure; that is their nature. As a result, it should come as no surprise to see that most of the world today is on the road to sensory satisfaction.

It takes real toughness, and a lot of practice, to wait out all of the blandishments of passing pleasure when they lead us away from our real goal. When we lack this toughness, despite better goals we may cherish in our hearts, we will not be able to take the road that leads where we want to go. It is a poignant paradox: wanting only happiness, yet going systematically in the other direction. But if we keep choosing the joy of the spirit, I can assure you, we will reach our goal.